UNIVERSAL LAWS
October 10, 2012
UNIVERSAL LAWS
1.
Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your
nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.
2.
Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the
least accessible corner.
3.
Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act
4.
Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy
signal and someone always answers.
5.
Law of the Alibi – If you tell the boss you were late for work because you
had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6.
Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in
will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7.
Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone
rings.
8.
Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know
increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen
with.
9.
Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t
work, it will.
10.
Law of bio mechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional
to the reach.
11..
Law of the Theatre and Hockey Arena- At any event, the people whose seats
are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will
leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who
leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks
in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big
bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people
also are very surly folk.
12.
The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss
will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13.
Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only two people in a locker room,
they will have adjacent lockers.
14.
Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich
landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and
cost of the carpet or rug.
15.
Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you
are talking about.
16.
Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance -If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.
17.
Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18.
Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a
product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19.
Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the
doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. But don’t make an
appointment, and you’ll stay sick.
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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took
the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’
‘Me neither doc,’ said the husband.
‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’
———————————-
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you.’
The old man says without hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife.’
———————————–
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I
passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and
twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought
my husband’s advice.
‘What do you think?’ I asked.. ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’
‘Better get a bikini,’ he replied ‘You’d never get it all in one.’
He’s still in intensive care.
———————————–
And, my favourite is: LOL
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of
thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even
more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the preacher and calmly said, ‘Well……she’s
there.’