Patriarchy and power: how socialisation underpins abusive behaviour | Jess Hill | Society | The Guardian
▻https://www.theguardian.com/society/2020/mar/08/patriarchy-and-power-how-gender-inequality-underpins-abusive-behaviour
▻https://i.guim.co.uk/img/media/26b98f07b45cdabc3e2800746d454e5957cf347b/0_97_2200_1320/master/2200.jpg?width=1200&height=630&quality=85&auto=format&fit=crop&overlay-ali
Coercive control is a very particular kind of domestic abuse. It’s not a “reaction” to stress, nor is it triggered by alcohol or drugs. It’s an ongoing system of control, in which the abusive partner seeks to override their partner’s autonomy and destroy their sense of self. The end game – whether the perpetrator knowingly sets out to achieve it – is to make their partner entirely subordinate; a “willing slave”. To do this, they isolate, micro-manage, humiliate, degrade, surveil, gaslight and create an environment of confusion, contradiction and extreme threat. The feeling victims have, as the British survivor-advocate Min Grob tweeted the other day, is that the rug has been pulled from under your feet. “You become disoriented, hyper vigilant, confused and most likely sleep-deprived. You are walking on eggshells. Afraid you’re going mad. Afraid to make them mad. Afraid. All the time. Sometimes not even knowing why you’re in fear but the panic is there. Always.” This abuse can also be incredibly hard for the victim to detect, because it happens slowly, bit by bit. It’s the total mental dislocation of coercive control – which Amnesty International has classified as torture – that is the hardest thing to recover from.
Coercive controllers may use extreme physical or sexual violence; or, as was reportedly the case with Rowan Baxter, no physical violence at all. For more than 40 years, women and children have been saying that except for extreme violence, the coercive control is the worst part. In fact, one of the most common refrains from victims of coercive control is “I wish he’d just hit me”.