Most of us have heard Gisele’s story. It’s a reminder that even men you trust can harm you. Did you know that she went to her doctors for help? A look at how medical misogyny contributed to her abuse.
First things first - I want to put a trigger warning on this article as it will deal with issues of rape, assault, abuse and medical neglect. Please feel free to skip if these topics will be difficult for you - or read in small chunks when you feel comfortable.
There’s absolutely no pressure here - come and go as you please. My goal with this article is not to trigger or frighten people - but to look at the case involving Gisele Pelicot and what the rising tide of misogyny could mean for disabled individuals.
The verdicts in her case are due in tomorrow - so let’s dive in and learn about this incredible woman, what happened to her and the unique role medical misogyny played in her abuse.
Who’s Gisele Pelicot?
If you aren’t familiar with Gisele - she’s making headline news in France for changing the traditional face of a rape victim. Her husband spent a decade drugging her and soliciting men on the internet to rape and assault her while she was unconscious.
She found out about these atrocities by accident when he was caught filming up women’s skirts in a supermarket. The police checked his computer and found a folder filled with photos and videos of the egregious attacks on his wife.
Over eighty men participated in these assaults - with many more declining to participate but not alerting Gisele or the authorities to her husband’s actions. Fifty one men have been identified and are now facing trial for rape - and Gisele waived her right to privacy so that they would be identified and have to face what they did to her. As she’s said many times - shame must change sides.
Her case has sent shockwaves through women across the world - in large part because of just how many men participated in these horrific acts. She was married to her husband for FIFTY years. She believed him to be a good and safe man. Yet he wasn’t just hurting her - he was actively soliciting strangers to hurt her as well.
The men who are charged with assaulting her range in age from 26 to 74 and come from all walks of life. Some were married, many had children of their own. They came from surrounding French towns after connecting with her husband on a website called Coco which has a history of overlooking dangerous and illegal behaviour. These men were invited to Gisele’s home for the express purpose of having intercourse with an unconscious woman.
The list of men involved includes truck drivers, nurses, prison guards, firefighters, journalists, students, pensioners and municipal councillors. It’s frightening how most of the men seemed like ‘good men.’ There was no reason to suspect them of being capable of these crimes. They didn’t have a criminal record and they were active members of their communities.
These men saw a post online about an opportunity to assault an unconscious woman with her husband’s permission - and they saw nothing wrong with taking that opportunity. Or if they DID see something wrong with it - they didn’t care.
Either way - they harmed an innocent woman who wasn’t capable of consenting or fighting back. Many of them had sexually transmitted infections - Gisele caught four. Some men came back to the Pelicot home to assault her more than once.
Can you even imagine the pain she’s feeling right now? To believe you’re in a loving marriage and then have the police show up at your door one day and shatter your entire world?
To find out that not only was your husband drugging and assaulting you - he was actively encouraging others to do the same. Your marriage was a lie - and you’ve been put in danger for a decade.
I consider myself an empathetic person who’s generally capable of putting myself in someone else’s shoes - but I genuinely can’t fathom the pain and betrayal she’s having to deal with.
“Not All Men” and Why It Rings Hollow
We NEED men to condemn this behaviour. To hold their fellow men responsible. Too many men participated in these atrocities and what’s galling is of the men who declined … no one sought help. They knew it was wrong - which is why they didn’t assault her - but they also didn’t warn her or go to police.
How many men could have protected her? How many opportunities were there over a ten year period to stop this abuse? Why did no one even TRY?
Not one of them went to the police - or even to Gisele herself - to let them know a woman was being repeatedly drugged, raped and assaulted and her husband was arranging it.
They did nothing. They declined to actively participate and then patted themselves on the back for being “good men”.
Newsflash: “Good men” would have sounded the alarm. They wouldn’t have expected a gold star for simply NOT raping an unconscious woman. I’m horrified whenever I read about it - but I keep talking about it so men realize WHY we’re angry. WHY we’re demanding they speak out.
Now is not the time to shout “not all men” and demand we give you props for not being abusive. Now’s the time to say LOUDLY that you condemn this behaviour and that you will hold the men in your lives to a higher standard.
Whenever I talk about this case - women share horrifying stories of their own rapes and abuse. Some share things they’ve never shared before. Gisele’s courage is helping other women speak out and find their voice.
The response from men has been less encouraging. Some are appalled and quick to condemn these actions. But too many will immediately insert themselves in the conversation to ‘demand’ I clarify that it’s ‘not all men.’ They will tell me that it’s not necessary to condemn these actions as ‘they’re obviously wrong.’
Men - it’s not obvious. Perhaps it should be - but too many women are raped and assaulted every single day for us to possibly believe that you know this behaviour is wrong. We need you to say it. We need you to be allies.
When you insert yourself into the conversation and talk over the women - when you make demands and expect us to acknowledge that you are ‘one of the good ones’ - you’re inadvertently proving our point. You’re showing us that our voices don’t matter. That our safety means less to you than making sure you’re seen as a ‘good guy.’ That you are more interested in appearing to be a good man than actually learning what it takes to become a good man and ally.
I promise you - we know it’s ‘not all men.’ The issue is - how can we know which men are the dangerous ones? How can we tell? Gisele had been married for fifty years and obviously thought her husband was a ‘good man.’ Most rapes are not carried out by strangers - but by men the women know and trust.
We don’t know you’re a ‘bad man’ until it’s too late. Which means for our own safety - we must move through the world with a degree of caution towards ALL men. This isn’t because of misandry. We don’t hate men. We hate being harmed. We hate being raped. We hate not knowing who we can trust. We hate having to watch our drinks, where we walk, what we wear and who we are alone with. We’re exhausted, afraid and tired of being in danger.
How Did Medical Misogyny Play a Role?
I’ve noticed that there isn’t much discussion of the role medical misogyny played in what happened to Gisele. Some people don’t even realize how many times she sought medical help - because she KNEW something was wrong.
We know our bodies and when something isn’t right with us - we notice. We can’t always determine what the problem is - we rely on doctors to do that. They’re the experts.
Gisele went to her doctors looking for help - and they failed her. They had an opportunity to figure out what was happening to her - or at least involve the right people who COULD have figured it out. Imagine if she had been able to find out about her husband’s betrayal from a healthcare worker she knew and trusted - versus from police who randomly showed up at her door?
How you receive a devastating diagnosis or traumatic news matters. She should have found out sooner and from someone she had a trusted relationship with.
Why Did She Seek Medical Care?
According to reports - Gisele sought medical care for a variety of symptoms including confusion, memory loss, vaginal and anal bruising and pain. She didn’t know WHAT was wrong - but she knew enough to try and get help.
I think this is something we often overlook - our bodies are incredibly intuitive. They know when something isn’t right - even if our brain is unaware and/or unable to accept it. That little voice in your head will niggle at you that you’re missing something, your gut will send out repeated warning signs begging you to pay attention.
Gisele went to her doctors and explained her symptoms - and her husband went with her. He informed them that she was forgetful and perhaps experiencing signs of early onset dementia.
Rather than speaking to Gisele on her own - the doctors allowed her husband to drive the conversation - and Gisele ended up convinced that she was suffering from Alzheimers. In an article in The Telegraph - Gisele recalls asking her husband if he was drugging her:
I didn’t understand why I had moments like this, I have an excellent memory,” said Ms Pelicot, adding that when she jokingly asked her husband, if he was drugging her, he “broke down in tears” and said: ‘You actually think I could do that?’.
Remember what I said about how intuitive our bodies are? She may have asked jokingly - but I suspect her gut was trying to tell her something. Imagine abusing your wife repeatedly in such a barbaric manner - and then allowing her to suffer the horror and devastation of believing she had a terminal illness that was going to rob her of her mental faculties?
The depths of her husband’s depravity clearly knew no limits - but why didn’t the doctors do more?
I’m not suggesting they should have realized exactly what he was doing to her - I don’t think many people could conceive of such heinous acts being a possibility. But there were other clues that should have alerted them to the possibility of a bigger problem.
When her STIs were discovered - he accused HER of cheating. She was convinced she was losing her mind, which gave him the opportunity to gaslight her into believing that maybe she was stepping out of their marriage and then forgetting what happened.
She had no memory of having any affairs - and yet the doctors clearly took the word of her husband over her own. They didn’t investigate further. They deferred to HIM.
This Is Medical Misogyny
Giving more weight to the word of a man than your patient. Not speaking to your patient one on one without the man present. Assuming your patient is at fault when there’s no evidence to suggest that’s the case.
What could they have done differently? They could have spoken to her without her husband present. They could have believed her that something was dreadfully wrong that went beyond ‘aging’. They could have involved social work to speak with her and perhaps they would have encountered more red flags. They could have called the police to investigate.
There were ways they could have helped - and they failed her. As they fail so many women, marginalized people and those with disabilities.
We are treated as invisible. Less than. Incapable of being the experts in our own bodies. We are frequently dismissed, talked down to and psychologized.
Serious medical conditions are brushed off as anxiety, menopause, hormones, having a ‘delicate constitution’… the list goes on and on.
Women’s pain is repeatedly under treated compared to men. The average time to a diagnosis of many serious illnesses are longer for us than our male counterparts. The ‘health gap’ is very real - and can destroy lives.
If you’re tempted to dismiss this phenomenon - let me share some personal examples:
- My Mom’s pancreatic cancer was initially brushed off as ‘anxiety’. She had intense itching and severe bruising which they said was due to stress from starting a new school year (she was a teacher). A few weeks later she turned yellow and received a terminal diagnosis
- After my hysterectomy - I developed a severe post operative infection due to internal bleeding from a medical error. I went to the ER for help three times - and all three times was dismissed as ‘attention seeking.’ I had to bring a man with me to get testing done - and was immediately rushed for emergency surgery where I was only given 50/50 odds of survival
– My POTS and various cardiac issues were dismissed for years as anxiety. Doctors missed the classic signs of postural tachycardia and repeatedly told me that I was fine and just needed to learn to relax more
- My vEDS was missed for decades. Chalked up to growing pains and being a ‘sensitive’ child
- When I need healthcare workers to wear a mask for me - I have considerably more success if I bring a man with me to the appointment
- I’m frequently talked over, ignored and/or not trusted to know my own body. When I needed a hysterectomy - it was delayed for three years despite causing me enormous health issues. The reason? “You might meet a man who wants kids.” Not YOU might want kids (I didn’t) … you might meet a man who does.
- In many medical situations over the course of my life - what a hypothetical man might want from me has come before what I want for myself. If I bring a man to the appointment - healthcare workers have deferred to him even if it’s clear I know far more about my condition
Why Do I Say Disabled People Are at Increased Risk?
The problems that exist within our medical system run deep. Misogyny, patriarchy, bias, discrimination - these are not things that can or will change overnight. Any inequality in the medical system is likely to disproportionately impact disabled people because of the deep rooted ableism that is pervasive in society.
We interact with the medical system more than our non-disabled counterparts, which gives it more opportunities to let us down. We are treated as invisible, ‘useless eaters’, or unimportant nuisances.
Our concerns are frequently brushed off as ‘nothing’ even when we present with very serious issues. One need not look further than the global response to the Covid pandemic - which has been to say repeatedly that ‘only the vulnerable are at risk.’ We ARE the vulnerable - and in the last five years the vast majority of people - healthcare workers included - have decided we’re expendable. A worthwhile sacrifice so they can go ‘back to normal’.
We are far more likely to suffer from medical abuse and/or have significant medical PTSD - which means many of us don’t feel safe in healthcare situations. In fact - disabled people often say they would rather die than go to the hospital.
We are also more likely to be in abusive relationships. We are often forced to rely on people who treat us poorly - because we can’t take care of ourselves and social supports are not sufficient to allow us to maintain our independence and autonomy.
Some sobering statistics on disability violence (trigger warning - these numbers are shocking). All statistics taken from The Center for Disability Rights and quoted below:
In 2015, disabled people were 2.5 times more likely than nondisabled people to experience violence
Serious violent crimes like sexual assault, aggravated assault and robbery were more than three times as likely to impact disabled people
Institutional violence is a serious issue - and disabled people constitute a significant portion of those who are institutionalized
82% of violence against developmentally disabled adults was carried out in institutions (and in case you doubt how little the system cares for people in these situations - remember that in the UK those who were disabled and institutionalized had DNRs placed in their files without their consent during the early days of the Covid pandemic)
Sexual assault is 7 times more likely to impact intellectually disabled people and 12 times more likely to impact intellectually disabled women
More than 90% of people with developmental disabilities will experience sexual abuse in their lives, 49% will experience this abuse at least ten times
Violence from intimate partners - is 40% more likely to affect disabled women than non disabled women
In the past five years there have been more than 550 reported cases of disabled people - many of whom were children - murdered by their families
The long and short of it is that disabled people are at far greater risk for abuse, neglect and medical trauma than non disabled individuals - and if they can’t safely confide in their doctor or healthcare worker - who can they turn to?
We want to believe what happened to Gisele was an anomaly - but it wasn’t. The scope and severity of the abuse she endured may be an anomaly - but intimate partner abuse is not uncommon. The fact that she was dismissed by the medical system is also not surprising.
Misogyny, rape culture and patriarchal values are alive and well. Medicine is not - and never has been - immune to these issues. When you combine them with rampant ableism and discrimination - you get a very unsafe situation for disabled people.
Where Do We Go From Here?
It starts with recognizing there is a problem. We must stop acting like these stories are outliers and start accepting that they are often the norm.
We have a societal tendency to dismiss the concerns of both women and disabled individuals. To not trust us to know our own bodies. To refuse to believe us when we say something is wrong.
We are not given autonomy over our bodies. We are regularly stripped of our agency and safety by family members, spouses and medical professionals.
It must stop. We need to call out medical misogyny whenever it happens. Call out rape, sexual assault and patriarchal values that drive the harmful narrative that women are somehow the property of their male counterparts.
It can be scary to share your story. It’s terrifying to speak up. But the more we refuse to be shamed into silence - the faster things will change. Gisele could have opted for privacy - she decided to allow her story to be public because ‘shame must change sides.’
She wanted everyone to know that she did nothing wrong - the blame lies with those who chose to hurt her.
That’s the most important takeaway - if you’ve been the victim of assault, medical neglect or misogyny - it was NOT your fault. You did nothing wrong. The individual, the system and society failed you.
Abuse thrives in the dark. It relies upon victims being too scared to speak up. So let’s collectively support one another in loudly saying that enough is enough. Let’s demand better for ourselves and the generations that come after us.
Let’s also lift up the good medical professionals that are out there. It’s important we recognize that they exist and need our support. When you find one - thank them. Ensure they know how much you appreciate their genuine willingness to listen, learn and allow patients to participate in their own care.
We should also demand better from healthcare. We can and should support studies into the gender gap - and support anyone working to close the discrepancies that exist in the way men and women are treated in medicine.
We can support women like Gisele. Say her name. Thank her for the sacrifice she’s making for the women who will come after her.
I hope everyone pays attention to the verdict in this case - and if justice is not done I encourage every one of us to raise our voices in opposition. Hold Gisele in your thoughts and support one another wherever possible.
We are stronger together.
